Family Trips & Trials

Jon and I recently took a driving trip to Minnesota. Because of numerous overtures from his cousin to come up this summer, one day I mentioned to Jon: Why not ask if our granddaughter (from Jon's daughter through a former marriage) in South Carolina would like to go and meet her cousins there. Jon basically has only one close living relative who is this Minnesota cousin. Jon's daughter is estranged from her mother, thus, no family ties to that side. So, the objective was two-fold; for the granddaughter to meet and know this family and also to experience life outside a small country town in South Carolina without her parents ... she is 13).

Charlotte and her mother are handicapped (legs amputated at the knee) and Charlotte has used prosthetics since age 2 or so. This was another challenge, though nothing much holds her back, there are some limitations, i.e. stairs are troublesome and the cousin lives in a two story home on a hill which leads down to Lake Ida. No problem for Charlotte, she just took off her prostectics and got around just fine without the prosthetics using the stairs and going down to the lake which she did each day as she loves to swim. She bonded with her cousins, especially another 13 year old, Jake. She is a tom-boy and got along just fine with the other two boys, age 10 and 17. She was introduced to tubing and a seadoo and experienced a wonderful time.

Of course, as a woman, I felt the need to mother her (or rather smother her). She is a very independent 13 year old and it didn't take me long to realize ... she would do just fine without me. She was courteous, but did not want me helping or hovering in any way. This was a good lesson for me which actually began as we left South Carolina. As might have been expected, as the time came close to leaving, she was feeling the fear of leaving on a new adventure, i.e., leaving her parents. So, we decided to not dally, but get everything ready and head on down the road. She didn't have anything to say, but spent the 1st 30 minutes or so sad, with tears looking out the back window of the van. I almost went back to comfort her, but asked myself what I would want if I had been 13 and decided to let her work it out herself. So, after a two hour nap, she awoke with a smile, wide-eyed and was happy to be with us the next two weeks.

Two landmarks she was looking for on the trip: one was the Gateway Arch in St. Louis (which we passed along the way) and the Mall of America in Minneapolis which is a little over 2 hours from the lake. Fortunately, the cousins who live in Eden Prarie, a suburb of Minneapolis, wanted to take her for a couple of nights and they all went to "Camp Snoopy," an amusement park in the mall. Actually, this was a relief to us as we weren't too interested in walking the Mall or Camp Snoopy! And, she had a much better time with younger people.

One stop we made to and from Minnesota was in Osceola, Iowa. This is a good stopping point and my very favorite Aunt Dorothy, in her late 70's (one of my mother's 12 siblings) lives here who has welcomed us before. She welcomed Charlotte also and surprised me greatly by asking her many questions as to her handicap and how Charlotte felt about it. Dorothy is very loving and gave me some insight into why ... she is just very honest and straight forward with people and they respond honestly. Charlotte and her seemed to have a special time together.

Home to South Carolina was a different kind of a story. Jon's daughter had been having some difficult times and transportation was an issue so we decided to give them our third car ... a well taken care of 91 Buick Park Avenue. I had driven it up on our way to pick up Charlotte and they were in the process of transferring title and getting insurance and licensing while we were gone. There were a few issues to be completed when we arrived which didn't take much time to complete. Disappointing, was not receiving the thanks or perceived appreciation for the gift ... but, it is now gone and it is her car.

Also disappointing is the way in which we are treated when we visit. I don't understand it at all, except that it just is! Her statement is to all that she doesn't cook during the week; her husband and daughter take care of themselves as far as food. So, when we arrived Friday nighta, we picked up Kentucky Fried Chicken for all of us. And, everyone enjoyed it, even though usually they take care of themselves. Weekends, there is no breakfast unless I fix it ... so sometimes I do and sometimes we go out. We used to wait until everyone awoke and take them all, but have stopped that idea and just go by ourselves because there is no structure to their life and everyone is ready at different times. Such as, the husband wakes up very early and sometimes naps later in the morniing; the daughter and grandchild may sleep all morning. As far as I am concerned, this is fine except when you have guests or family and I really can't understand someone not at least having food available. It is easy for guests to get a muffin or fix coffee in the morning. When we arrived back from our trip it was early evening, no one offered any food, my husband was a bit hungry and asked me about it, so I looked in the refrigerator and found eggs and hamburger buns so I fixed him an egg sandwich. Then, I find the husband fixing him an egg sandwich also and something out of the freezer for Charlotte. Up until this time (about 8 o'clock) no one had mentioned even being hungry. Were they waiting for us to go get something?

This behavior is not something new, but it is the first time my husband has become aware of it and the feeling is not a good thing. You wonder why you are even there ... to give, give, give with little or no thanks and appreciation shown? There is much, much more to this family story I haven't written, but Jon came away depressed, angry and actually with the thought that he could never count on his daughter to take care of him in his old age if he needed care.

I guess I am left with the question: Am I so out of touch that common courtesies, thoughtfulness and thanks are not apart of some people's life? As for my family, I can't say enough good for their appreciation and generosity they have shown me and I sincerely intend to give back much when I can!

Posted by carole at July 24, 2003 12:00 AM