Greggman.com

Adult Story #3

I’m not sure this is really an “adult” story and the names have been changed even though anyone who this story might affect already knows this story

Once upon a time, I think in February 2003 I was living in Tokyo.

I had made a few friends that would meet a 2 or 3 times a week for dinner here and there. One of these friends was Bill and he lived about 45 minutes outside of Tokyo or at least from the parts we used to hang out in.

One of the issues in Tokyo and public transportation is that the trains stop around 1am. That means if you want to get back to your home and it’s far you need to catch the last train that makes it back to your station. For Bill that was around 11:30pm where as for me and the other friends, we could stay out until 12:15 or later.

Bill was married to a Japanese women but they had recently got divorced about 2 months earlier. One night we were out and Bill brought his co-worker and friend, Mineko. Bill missed his last train so he was stuck in the city until 5am when the trains start up again. We all decided to stay out and keep him company. I don’t know why or what it was but she was like a drug for me. It was love at first sight. I don’t just mean her looks either. She spoke pretty much fluent English and she was super nice, friendly and extremely easy to talk to.

The only catch was she smoked and if you’ve read enough of my posting you can probably guess I’m the type of guy that will pass on someone if they have a major issue I can’t deal with. So, I thought about her but decided since she smokes I’d forget about it.

A week or so later we are all out again and my chemical reaction to Mineko is in full force. I really dig this woman and for the first time in my life was I ready to drop the no-smoking requirement. I tell Bill how I really like his friend Mineko.

Another problem I have and the reason I’ve been single most of my life is I don’t pursue women. Instead I just befriend them and if there is mutual attraction I believe things will work out. So, I hoped to spend more time with her, not alone, at least at first but just as part of the group.

Mineko lives downtown and so one night around early April we are out, Bill is getting ready to catch his last train but he doesn’t want to leave so he asks Mineko if he can crash at her place. He does this a few times and one day he tells me, “Mineko and I made out. She’s not my type but it was kind of nice”. The next time they go all the way.

Obviously I’m dying at this point. I haven’t gotten any real chance to get closer to Mineko and here Bill is sleeping with her when he’s not even interested. Arrrggghhh!

Around June Bill tells me they have stopped sleeping together and I should pursue her if I want. I'm happy for that but I continue with my typical way of proceeding. I just hope to spend time with her in our group and try to get some spark going.

That entire summer our larger group of 8-20 people hang out quite often. We have happy hour nights. We go to movies together. We go to restaurants together. I keep hoping I can sit next to Mineko at these events but her and Bill always manage to sit together. When we question him on it he says they are just best friends.

It’s easy to believe because all summer Bill is trying to find a girlfriend. He brings them to some of our events, a new one every 2 or 3 weeks. Mineko is even helping him by talking to the girls and getting impressions.

The only place I have any real success is that Mineko and I chat online quite often. As we have gotten closer in chat many of the topics have turned sexual in nature. Not sex chat but just topics about sex. For example Mineko and I both enjoy watching Sex in the City so we chat about it and the topics in brings up. Of course I take this as a good sign.

Around early October I eventually asked her “out” to Design Festa in mid November. It’s not really a date, just something casual but I felt like I had finally taken another step. It would be the first time with just me and her.

Early November the group decides to go dancing although for some reason I go home after dinner instead of staying for the club. Probably because I was not comfortable clubbing. Later that night or the next morning my friend chats with me. Something happened at the party and Mineko blew up. A few minutes later Mineko starts chatting with me and wants to talk to me about what happened.

What happened was that her and Bill had never stopped sleeping together, they’d continued all summer long. Then, at the club Bill met a woman and started making out there at the club. Bill and Mineko had had sex the previous night and Mineko felt like Bill was being disrespectful.

She still claimed he wasn’t her type and he claimed she wasn’t his type. She still believed their understanding that they were both looking for someone new but she also wanted to feel like they were more than fuck buddies. Somewhere I guess more like lovers without the commitment but who still respected each other until they found someone.

Well, being a total AFC, of course I told her how I felt, obviously the worst possible time to tell her (not that it would have mattered when I told her) but basically I was destroyed. It wasn’t just being rejected, it was that every little thing that happened all summer, every little hope I had, every chat I had with her was a lie. I thought she was talking to me as a single woman, not someone who effectively has a boyfriend. Also, all the times Bill had lied to me about “just being friends” or “she’s like my sister”

I practically felt suicidal. I guess I didn’t feel like killing myself but for the next few days I felt like someone and physically knocked the wind out of me. I had to basically call every friend I had and talk through it to get by.

Mineko said she was not going to talk to or see Bill anymore. I had confessed my feelings and I obviously hoped for the best though I didn’t have high hopes. I even made a totally AFC little booklet all about my feelings for her and gave it to her. She told me she was not interested in me as anything more than friends. That sucked but at least getting it out there let me move on or so I thought.

Mineko and I became better friends for a while with her trying to help me met someone. I also went through somewhat of a transformation. Before that I was rather nerdy. Not that I’m not still nerdy but my typical style was like jeans and a t-shirt and sneakers. I didn’t have any style. I had also only been to a club like 3-4 times in my life. So, after about a week of sulking I decided to do something. I grew my first facial hair, I bought some better clothing and I started clubbing. I figured I really needed to get out and meet people and get better at this. I decided to go to techno clubs because dancing so aggressively was also a way to forgot about her or at least forget about my feelings.

She decided to go to New York for 3 weeks in December with a friend. They went but at some point they got in an argument. Bill is from the New York area and was home for Christmas so Mineko called him and they ended up re-starting their relationship although this time they were officially boyfriend and girlfriend.

I was really happy for them but it still felt like yet another kick.

One of the most frustrating things was just how strongly I felt for her. I felt like I had finally understood the saying “I’ll never love someone again like I loved you” or similar phrases. That’s certainly been the case since then. I met several women over the years that followed and some I liked enough to want to be more then friends but none of them approached how I felt about Mineko.

We stayed friends and with her actually in an “official” public relationship it was relatively easy to turn my feelings off. I say relatively though because on some occasions if I ever got to spend more than say 20 minutes with her alone all those feelings would rush back. Like I said, it’s almost a chemical reaction for me it feels so strong.

You’d think the story would end there but so far there is one other piece.

3 years later I chose to leave Japan. Mineko (and I’m sure Bill helped) organized a giant going way party for me in January 2007. It was amazing. Mineko also surprised me by showing up at the airport to see me off. I told her she was the only person that could have gotten me to stay.

I moved to San Francisco and in March the Game Developers Conference was held here. Myself, Bill and Mineko are all in the game industry so they were coming for a week. I didn’t really think much of it except I was glad to see them. Bill I guess has lived in SF so he didn’t want the tour but Mineko had not and I showed her and 2 other friends around the first day they were here.

Mineko was slightly flirty. I blew it off because our group tends to say strange sexual joke come-ons to each other. A couple examples, she bought me a “Sex Bomb” from Lush. (Bath Soap) and also when I showed them my apartment she jumped in my bed and said “hey, I’m the first girl in your bed!”

I really didn’t think anything of it since as far as I knew she was still with Bill. Sadly her birthday was that week and I really wanted to go but I came down with a cold.

They all return to Japan but a few days later a mutual friend lets it slip that Bill and Mineko broke up. Later I learn that supposedly they broke up in December, BEFORE I LEFT JAPAN but didn’t tell anyone until now.

I suppose on the one had that’s no big deal but still, I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me again. That information changed my perception of the last 3 months. The flirting the week before, organizing my going away party... Another thing Mineko did was say she had promised herself she would get a hug from me every time she saw me between the time I announced I was leaving until I left.

Well, that’s that. I now live 7000 miles away and I guess I should take it as a clear signal that since nothing did happen she’s still not interested. At the same time, I still find I think about her way too much. I wouldn’t say I obsess because it’s not like it’s a daily thing. It just that things remind me of her. Stupid things, maybe it’s a song about really wanting someone and before I know it I’ll be thinking of her again. Even stupider, I know we wouldn’t have ever been a good match. But what can you do? Like I mentioned above, it’s a chemical thing. It’s like she was a virus for my brain.

I want to try to look at the bright side. It was an incredible experience to feel that strongly for someone and in many ways I’m a better person because of it. I certainly hope it happens again though with someone that wants me as well this time.

IP rights discussion

Just hoping to get some other points of view.

The Slashdot crowd and similar people like to call IP Imaginary Property to try to point out that there is no such thing and therefore it shouldn't be treated like property. They like to point out that copying some music or a movie or software isn't like stealing because the person who it was copied from has not lost their original

Well, playing devil's advocate...

Money is effectively a fiction. It's just a number in a computer database. When your employer pays you they don't send physical money to the bank. They just tell the bank to subtract from their account number and add to your account number. It's all virtual.

The point I'm trying to make is, we treat money exactly like the content creators wish we would treat IP. Money is virtual. I could adjust those numbers in the bank's computer all I want. I could add more. It only works because we all agree it would be a bad thing if it didn't work like that. We all agree (or I think we all agree) that duplicating money would be bad even though in actuality no one would lose any money if we allowed duplication.

So, why should IP be different? Why is it not okay to copy money but it IS okay to copy IP? Both money and IP represent labor...

I can think of a few differences. You can duplicate IP forever with no ill effects to anyone but possibly the creators or the people that funded them where as duplicating money forever would effect everyone. That's a valid distinction but it doesn't quite enough for the difference in thinking.

I guess my main point is it seems like most people approach it in the sense that IP is not like real property and copying is not stealing. It's almost as though they see this ability to copy as something new and the push to stop the copying is something new. I think the money analogy points out that it's not something new. We all agree copying money is bad so there is something that is effectively imaginary property that we all agree is bad to copy. I'm not sure we'd call it stealing. I guess we'd all it counterfitting although that doesn't fit the copying IP stuff unless you try to sell it.

Basically I'm just thinking out loud. If you have some thoughts please share them.

The Parable of the Talents

I started reading a new book, the Mind of the Market, and so far I've only read the first chapter but during that time the parable of the talents came up.

I'm not religious anymore but people bring up stories from the Bible all the time and this particular one has always bothered me.

Matthew 25:
14 For the kingdom of heaven is as a man travelling into a far country, who called his own servants, and delivered unto them his goods.
15 And unto one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one; to every man according to his several ability; and straightway took his journey.
16 Then he that had received the five talents went and traded with the same, and made them other five talents.
17 And likewise he that had received two, he also gained other two.
18 But he that had received one went and digged in the earth, and hid his lord’s money.
19 After a long time the lord of those servants cometh, and reckoneth with them.
20 And so he that had received five talents came and brought other five talents, saying, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me five talents: behold, I have gained beside them five talents more.
21 His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.
22 He also that had received two talents came and said, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me two talents: behold, I have gained two other talents beside them.
23 His lord said unto him, Well done, good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.
24 Then he which had received the one talent came and said, Lord, I knew thee that thou art an hard man, reaping where thou hast not sown, and gathering where thou hast not strawed:
25 And I was afraid, and went and hid thy talent in the earth: lo, there thou hast that is thine.
26 His lord answered and said unto him, Thou wicked and slothful servant, thou knewest that I reap where I sowed not, and gather where I have not strawed:
27 Thou oughtest therefore to have put my money to the exchangers, and then at my coming I should have received mine own with usury.
28 Take therefore the talent from him, and give it unto him which hath ten talents.
29 For unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath.
30 And cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

The standard interpretation of that parable is supposed to be something to the effect of use it or lose it. Use the skills/money that you have and you'll get more. If you don't you are wasting them and you'll lose even what little you have.

That interpretation never made sense to me. It might make sense if each person in the story started out with equal ammounts but they didn't. Rather I think there are plenty of the interpretations that make more sense.

One might be that you will fail of you don't have enough skill, money, whatever. A perfect example is the countless stories of businesses or restaurants that fail because they don't start with enough money. They have just enough money to start their business but not enough to survive on negative income until the business becomes profitable.

Other interpretation which made more sense to me than the standard one was the guy with only 1 unit only had one chance to succeed. The guy with 5 had five chances. Therefore it was EASY for the guy with 5 to risk and hard for the guy with 1 and not fair at all. Examples from the real world, investors know to diversify. They lose money on some investments and gain some on others but they have to have enough to diversity in the first place.

Another example, movie studios lose money on 19 out of 20 movies. The 1 blockbuster a year pays for the other 19. Of course you could say "well, just make the blockbuster then" but unfortunately nobody knows which movie will be good until after they are made. But, if you only had money to make one movie you'd be stupid to try at odds of 1 in 20. If you have money to make 20 movies then your odds go up that you'll get your investment back significantly.

We talk about the Rich get richer, the poor get poorer. That's rarely attributed to the poor not trying. Instead it's usually attributed to the rich having more opportunities. Well, that's exactly what the parable says to me. Those with more have more chances.

The only counter argument I've heard is the guy with 1 unit didn't even try. That's true except with so little to start it could be argued it was the reasonable course of action. He knew he'd lose it since he didn't have enough to even get started so he kept it. In the real world we'd hope he'd do some other work until he had enough to take the risk but in this parable that option was never considered.

Visiting Tokyo

In the beginning of October I spent 10 days in Tokyo.

I gotta say that the very first thing I thought when I arrived in Tokyo was "damn I do NOT miss the humidity". Even though the temperature was somewhere between 70-76 degrees I guess my body has readjusted to San Francisco weather and I found myself sweating profusely most of the time I was there.

other things I didn't miss. I didn't miss riding on crowded trains. They might be fun as an experience once but after that they pretty much suck. I also didn't miss riding with sick people on the train.

I probably I didn't catch my cold from someone on a train in Tokyo but I did have a cold for 7 of the ten days I was there. Fortunately it was not at all severe and while I didn't get to party has hard as I wanted to I was able to at least make it out every day.

What I also noticed though is that I felt more at home in Tokyo than San Francisco. Of course 7 years there vs only 8 months in San Francisco might do that but SF has the advantage of being America, somewhere I've lived for 35 years.

The biggest reason has to be my wonderful friends in Tokyo. The first day I was back I saw probably 20 of them. Certain things have already changed in the group, one who was married is no longer, another now has a child, yet another got married. Still, it felt mostly the same.

Of course I ate like a pig trying to catch up on everything I miss so much. I had Koumen twice and Wanzhuji once. I had several Japanese desserts and western ones as well. I got to try Tunisian food, does that even exist in SF?

I know some people who read this won't like the next thing I'm about to say but something really stuck out for me while I was on vacation and that is how living in Tokyo really made the things that suck about America stick out for me. I know using the word "suck" is going to invite flamers and I could have used something more like "things that are not all that great" instead but honestly, they just suck.

The #1 issue that sticks out is crime. Being in Tokyo is such a welcome from San Francisco. I don't even think San Francisco is supposed to be considered that bad a place but I have friends that live near the Tenderloin or when I go clubbing down that way and just stepping outside there there are scary people. People who play chicken with the cars passing through. People who are clearly angry at the world. Or, take a look down in the SOMA were where pretty much every 4th parking space on the street there is a pile of glass denoting a recently broke in car. If I go to the AMC Van Ness 14 or the Metron theaters I don't feel safe. There's always some group doing something aggressive. My office which is in what looks like the cleanest area of all the bay has a "no guns" sticker on every door. Even my own neighborhood, Noe Valley, which many would think of as safe doesn't always feel safe to me.

In contrast I can pretty much be anywhere in Tokyo day or night and not worry about a thing. Like I've said before, we in America have grown so used to it we just ignore it. It's not until you live somewhere safer that it really highlights for you how much crap we put up with or that we ignore that we shouldn't. We should instead FIX!

I brought up vandalism before. Why is that part of American culture? I grew up with it. I thought it was cool to make prank calls. I thought it was cool to pour sugar in someone's gas tank. I thought it was cool to step on my friend's brand new shoes. I thought it was cool to go in someone's backyard and throw the fallen fruit in their garden against their fence. Why is that part of America culture? As far as I can tell it's not part of Japanese culture. Where did that come from? Why is it just a part of life now in America. We just expect it. We don't even think that it could be or ever was any different and yet living somewhere where it's not that way I now know we shouldn't be expecting it. We should be ashamed of it. As a small example, the people that live across from me by like 10 jack-o-lanterns out for Halloween. By midnight 3 of them had been kicked into mush by kids passing by. Why did they feel the need to do that?

I'm not saying Japan doesn't suck in other areas or that Japan is perfect. I'm only saying that living somewhere where vandalism and crime are so low has highlighted just how much shit we all ignore in America. Stuff that we should not be ignoring.

Okay, back to the good stuff in Japan, another is food. Food in SF sucks. I used to think it was the best in America. I know I've read that somewhere but there's just something different about food in Japan. They take it to another level or something. It's like in America everything seems to be going toward genericness. More sugar, larger portions, brighter colors but less taste. It doesn't matter whether it's Japanese food or Western food, for the most part food tastes better in Japan than America. I'm not saying Japan is #1. Hong Kong had amazing food too but so far SF has been fairly disappointing in the food area.

The last is racism. I used to think America was the best in that area. That's what we are told. We are supposed to be the Great American Melting Pot. I always thought that's where we were headed. My schools were mixed, my friends were mixed. But, since I've come back to SF I've really felt like racism is getting a LOT worse in America. Each race is carving out their own small insider club and outsiders are not welcome. There are all kinds of Asian events in SF where a non-asian is not welcome. There are all Indian restaurants where you get stares like "you don't belong here" if you are not Indian. I've been told that Hawaii, a place I was raised to believe had the "aloha - love everyone - spirit" that now if they think you are an outsider can you go to the wrong cul-de-sac or beach you can get beaten to death. WTF!

What is making that happen to us? Is it the oppression of "the man?" Is it popular culture's messages? Is it just a desire to feel power through believing you're oppressed? Is it less culture mix on TV? Is it 500 channels of cable TV so each group doesn't need to share anything? Is it the internet that lets us easily keep in touch with only our friends instead of our neighbors? Is it all of the above? I have no idea, all I know is that it exists. I'm not saying Japan is not racist. But I can say that when I'm there those topics rarely come up for me. I feel excepted wherever I go. But, back in SF I don't which highlights the issues for me.

Oh well, that's not where I really wanted to go with this post.

What I wanted to end on is that I really had a ton of fun in Tokyo and I really miss my friends and parts of my life there. I wish I knew of way to live there that didn't require me to live in a 300sqft apartment and never be able to save for retirement and still make games for a living but I don't see that happening.

SF is getting better as I make more friends. Maybe by the next time I visit Tokyo SF will feel more like home.

TED Talks

It seems maybe I'm the last to know but I just found out about TED Talks. TED (Technology, Entertainment, Design) is apparently a conference bringing together people from all different disciplines to share their ideas and inspire each other.

Those talks are available online at www.ted.com and they extremely inspiring. They are each only allowed to be up to 20 minutes so they are very easy to watch or listen to. So far of the ones I've watched these were the most inspiring for me.

Alan Russell: Why can't we grow new body parts? O.....M.....G! Star Trek medicine is HERE!

Jeff Hawkins: Brain science is about to fundamentally change computing. I hope he succeeds!

Carolyn Porco: Fly me to the moons of Saturn. She is so passionate you can't help but be infected with her enthusiasm.

Vilayanur Ramachandran: A journey to the center of your mind.

Theo Jansen: The art of creating creatures. This guy is crazy! He's making self running robots that run on wind power.

I still have many to hear. Check them out and tell me your favorites!

CatalogChoice.org

I found out about this site called CatalogChoice.org who is trying to make it easier to opt out of receiving catalogs in the mail. According to them more than 19 BILLION catalogs are mailed out each year. I know that I rarely want the catalogs I get in the mail. Some companiese are particularly agressive and send a new catalog every 2 weeks. I even get catalogs for about 6 previous tenants.

If you are getting catalogs you don't want here's a very simple way to cancel them.